October 12, 2015 by kmwelden
I’m running a marathon in six days. This means I’ve been tapering for a couple weeks now, which for those of you non-runners, (God bless your sweet, sweet souls—stay blissfully ignorant forever) means I’ve been reducing my miles pretty dramatically to feel fresh on race day.
One (completely scientifically proven) side effect of tapering, though, is mental instability. Runner’s World is a scientific source, right?
In the last few weeks, my brain and body have been working overtime to create a litany of ailments and illnesses that I have/could have/will definitely have before I get a chance to run this damn marathon.
For example, yesterday afternoon, I began to feel like I was having difficulty swallowing. Aside from the obvious medical diagnosis (cancer of the throat), I immediately jumped to strep throat.
Since then, I have boiled my toothbrush (Do normal people do that? That’s what my parents always did when we were sick, because I guess spending an extra $3 on a toothbrush is just out of the budget), washed all of my bedding (a miracle in and of itself), Cloroxed everything, and actually purchased a new toothbrush, because you really can’t put a price on peace of mind.
Other real or imagined things that my body has wrong with it currently or will have wrong with it before Sunday:
- Stress fracture. Don’t actually even know what a stress fracture is, but it could very well be happening to me with every creak in my bones.
- Shin splints. I did have shin splints like ten years ago when I ran cross country. It quickly developed into a unhealthy Advil dependence, at least 12 a day, fully sanctioned by my mother. She suggests four Advil for everything, which I didn’t realize was an alarming amount until pretty recently.
- Strep throat.
- The flu. I coughed up some green stuff today. It is probably the flu.
- Dehydration, depite the gallons of water I drink every day.
- Mono. I feel tired. It has nothing to do with waking up several times a night in the midst of stress dreams.
- The plague. I work in elementary schools. The plague is everywhere. A child tried to hand me an Expo marker they coughed on today, and I literally batted it away from my person.
Basically, I will be really happy when this is over, and I can resume my normal ways of ignoring my body’s needs. Other things I can no longer do: wear heels (snapped ankles!), eat chicken (food poisoning!), or hold a conversation with anyone that I don’t circle back to the marathon (I’m sorry!).
Anyway, I hope this blog post finds you in better health than I am. Wish me luck!