August 24, 2015 by kmwelden
Because guys are so predictable.
- Whiskey. What the hell is actually going on here? When did every male between 23 and 33 become obsessed with drinking whiskey? I find it hard to believe that every dude on Tinder who claims to be a “whiskey enthusiast,” (yeah, that’s the phrasing 80% of the time) is indeed that enthusiastic about whiskey. You’re not a 75-year-old grandfather with gout. Calm down.
- Adventures. I am astounded by the sheer number of guys on Tinder who like to go on adventures. Who are looking for girls to go on adventures with. Who are just down for adventures. Who list “adventure” as a hobby. What does this even MEAN? Can you be more specific? Like are we adventuring to the 7-11 for snacks? Are we going spelunking? Are we robbing a bank? INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW. I’ve just started swiping left on every dude who has anything related to the word adventure on their profile. Be more original. (OK- I realize that is the damn title of this blog, but this was created in 2013, and we have moved on in 2015. On that note: now officially taking suggestions for a new blog title.)
- Craft beer. Okay, I get that this is Colorado, and we have quite the beer culture going on. I think craft beer is great. I also think PBR is great. I think anything that gets me drunk is great (hello, I’m a HUMAN), but on Tinder? This is the thing about yourself you want to share with the masses? You could choose any selling point about yourself, and you think “craft beer” is where you should start? I mean… do you read? Are you kind? Do you do good things for the community? Thank you for letting me know that you enjoy a great craft IPA, but that’s really irrelevant to whether you’re someone I could date or not.
- Let me dwell on the positive for one second. Men of Tinder, if I have nothing else positive to say about you: thank you for including your dog in your profile picture. It is the only cute thing happening on your grammar-mistake infested profile. I hope you’re better at taking care of a living thing than you are at choosing verb tenses.
- Making music. If I had a dollar for every time a dude on Tinder is a self proclaimed musician, I would probably have enough money to pay their damn rent for the month, because God knows their “music career” isn’t paying the bills. It is statistically impossible for each of these musicians to be making money, because there are literally hundreds of them. These are often the same dudes who are baristas on the side, but what they’re really waiting for is for someone to recognize their musical talent. I feel like the market might be tapped out. And DJs of Tinder… I’m looking at you too. Get out of here with that shit.
- Shooting guns. I’m genuinely confused by this. Maybe I’m the outlier here, but I don’t think guns make you cool. Guns are scary, and I think you’re a scary person if you’re holding a gun in your Tinder pictures. Could you not find one decent picture of yourself not holding something that makes me think you could potentially murder me if I pissed you off? Okay, guess not. Aaaand, we are swiping left.
- Skiing and snowboarding. So, brah, you like to ski? Yes, I could tell by the multiple pictures you have of you in various states of performing sick tricks. It’s cool that you like skiing. It’s not cool that I can’t see your face in any of these damn pictures of you in full on ski gear. I’m also not sure how cool it is that you consider “ski bum” a legitimate profession. I guess I’m just not the snow bunny you’re looking for.
- Climbing mountains. This is Colorado, and people are freaks about the outdoors. This makes sense, because Colorado may very well be the most beautiful damn place in the country. Thus, it makes sense to me that everyone wants to show off how outdoorsy they are on a dating app. Thanks for all the pictures of you climbing 14ers. Of you scaling the side of a mountain. Of you sitting in quiet repose and pondering life on top of a mountain. But the real question I have for every one of you: who even took that photo?
- Girls who can “keep up.” What the hell does this even mean? Like do you walk at an abnormally fast clip? Are you that much of a douchebag that you feel it’s necessary to specify that you are just so damn active that you can only relate to an equally active individual? Is this your way of saying that you’re not into fat girls? Regardless of the reasoning… just stop. No, I take that back. Walk faster. I will be in far behind you, strolling, because I am a laid back and calm individual.
- Coffee. We get it. You like coffee. Again, like craft beer, I’m not sure why this is the relevant information you choose to include in your Tinder profile of 500 characters. My mom likes coffee. So does my Grandma Mona. I would venture to say about 80% of the population drinks coffee. It doesn’t exactly make you cool or special, but thanks for sharing, you hipster.