I’ve Gotta Learn to Count Cards


June 19, 2014 by kmwelden

My dad was here last week to help me move, and we went to the casino. (Because nothing says “Happy Father’s Day,” like “Please help me move all of my stuff across town,” and also “Let’s go eat all-you-can-eat crab legs and gamble away all of your money.”)

I had never been before, so after watching my dad play for 20 minutes and asking approximately 9000 questions, I turned my $50 bill into chips (Yes—casino, I think I get why you use chips. If they all disappear, they’re just plastic chips—not my car payment) and proceeded to spend the next three solid hours at the table. I swear I didn’t even look at my phone one time, which is definitely some sort of record for me. I was like a blackjack zombie. 

So– I get the casino hype now. I also get why people have crippling gambling addictions, because I’m about two visits from one myself. I started with $50 and was one point up about $250—I was doubling-down like a damn blackjack veteran, hob-nobbing with my new best friends at the table (Obviously my youth and lighthearted wit allowed me to hold court. Old people love that shit), and developing a great rapport with each new dealer that came through my table. I felt like I was Jay Gatsby (or Jay-Z. Or maybe just Jay Cutler.) and started to think, “You know, I don’t know why people lose all their money here. This place is great! If I’m ever short on rent, I can just come here really fast and double my money WHILST drinking for free.” 

This was a very stupid mindset, and I was high on my new found success (stacks on stacks, y’all). Naturally, statistics took over, and I started losing chips pretty quickly. My dad wandered away to watch the NHL finals (not before looking at my wealth of chips and suggesting I set some sort of parameters on what I wanted to leave with. I didn’t listen. I never listen), so I was left unattended, losing chips (aka “money”) at a pretty steady clip. The waitresses were taking a lot longer to bring me drinks, and no one at the table wanted to be my friend anymore and they started drifting away… though it could have just been past their bedtime. My dad showed back up just in time to see me lose my very last chip, and mercifully, he just shook his head silently and handed me a coffee. It was midnight. 

Really, though, I think I did it right. No one should win money at the casino their first time, because it just sets up a completely unrealistic expectation of how gambling works. That doesn’t change the fact that next time I have $100 to lose… I’m going back to Black Hawk. I have a score to settle at the blackjack table. And I miss my friends. 


4 thoughts on “I’ve Gotta Learn to Count Cards

  1. Pecora Nera says:

    Why didn’t I find you months ago??? Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂
    Yours Pecora Nera

  2. RK says:

    You need to talk to your Aunt Anne. And be sure she tells you about the “I’m a Christian Preschool teacher” story.

  3. Jiggs says:

    I’ll have to teach you the finer points about shooting craps, and that game has a distinct advantage: ya don’t has to count cards!! Jiggs

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