No offense, Colorado, but…

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November 17, 2013 by kmwelden

You have a lot of bizarre murders happen around these parts.

Since moving from South Carolina, I’ve continued reading (aka scanning the daily mugshots for familiar high school faces) my hometown paper, but I’ve also started reading The Denver Post, so I can pick up as much Colorado info as I can. This was unbelievably necessary, as it wasn’t until after I moved here that I could actually identify Colorado on a map, and it wasn’t until last week that I memorized the governor’s name. Hickenlooper, in case you’re wondering.

Anyway, in my daily scan of the Denver paper, I’ve noticed, like, an extremely disproportionate amount of grisly/odd/excessively violent/Criminal Minds status murders happen around here. For example, in last few months we have:

A recently discharged man from the military beats and old man to death, because he thinks he is God and the old man is the devil. 

A woman beats a man who molested her when she was a child to death with a baseball bat.

An 18-year old girl stabs her mom to death. She stabbed her SEVENTY-NINE times.

This guy was just found guilty of burying his wife alive in 1997.

Man killed these two teenagers after the teenagers tried to blackmail them with video of him propositioning them for oral sex. 

This is, literally, just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, there’s an entire blog by Denver Westword that details all of the Denver-area murders. I recommend the producers of Law and Order cull the archives, should they ever run out of ideas.

One of my friends (because you know I’ve been unable to shut up about this weird Denver-murder-theory that no one else seems to notice, so they all just look at me like I’m an obsessed-with-death weirdo), claims the high number of gruesome murders comes from the “crazy mountain-people” who come down from northern Colorado and murder people in horrific ways. Northern Colorado, incidentally, tried to secede from the rest of the state. Their measure on the ballot a few weeks ago failed, so that doesn’t really make me feel any safer.

Perhaps all this post does nothing to dispel the idea that I’m an obsessed-with-death weirdo, because in all honestly, I just spent a significant amount of time googling “grisly murders in Colorado” (yes, all of my friends do revere me for my excellent Googling skills, thank you for asking).

Whatever. If I’m decapitated by some deranged clown in a cemetery, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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