I’m funneling my life savings into video games, BYE.

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May 20, 2013 by kmwelden

My personality, in a word? Addictive.

I spend my life going through phases of obsession. I have cycles, lasting for a few weeks at a time, where I’ll play Free Cell on the computer every night until 3 AM. Where I’ll eat popcorn and Diet Pepsi twice a day. Where I’ll binge watch television shows until I’ve caught up on their entire ten-year run in the matter of a few days. My sister once told me, on the subject of addictions: “Kaitlyn, if you grew up in a small town, I know you’d be hooked on meth.” There’s nothing like family…

This week, I’ve found a new addiction: Candy Crush. Y’all, this shit is not a joke. I’ve literally spent 30 of the last 48 hours playing this game on my iPad. Hence the lack of blogging. For the past two days, I’ve been sitting in the same spot on the couch staring at the screen of the iPad, trying to crush little candies, while Andrew plays Assassin’s Creed beside me. Sometimes, we talk to each other.

Me (not looking up from the screen): “Babe, are you winning?”

Andrew: “Yes, I am just killing some evil redcoats even now. How’s Candy Crush? Are you Candy-crushin’ it?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Just Candy-crushin’ it.”

That’s right, “candy-crushin'” has now become a verb in our house. Normally, I would just chalk this obsession up to a phase I’m going through and just let myself go on a binge before my interest fizzles out. However, the problem here is that this is a game where you can buy more lives when you run out (you only get one life every 30 min… what the HELL is that about? Can a bitch get a premium version with unlimited lives?). Consequently, I’ve spent around twenty dollars over the past few days buying lives for an iPad game. I’m not sure what the stats are on people who spend money on apps, but I feel pretty embarrassed about this. I’ve even been lying about the amount of money I’ve spent on this game (Not thirty minutes ago I told Andrew, “Umm, I’m just going to buy another set of lives, but this is the last time I’m buying anything for the night.” Since then I’ve spent three dollars).

So I guess what I’m getting to is this PSA:

If you have extra time and money, buy Candy Crush (Wait, Kait, you may be thinking. Aren’t you broke? Aren’t you literally loafing around Myrtle Beach right now not contributing to society at all? Maybe you should take it easy on the purchasing of fake-game-lives. And what I have to say to that? Maybe you should mind your own business). Personally, I’ve never felt happier than I have these two days, just hunkered down and knocking candy out on my iPad screen. Except for the fact that it feels like my brain is melting from staring at screens.

If you have a job or you’re broke, save yourself the trouble. Better yet, this: download it and begin accruing lives, before you experience the addiction, and then by the time you start playing, you’ll have thousands of lives stockpiled. You’re welcome.

Happy crushing! Kait


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